World of Bile

Thoughts, pics and links from me to you.. Read on...

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Location: London, United Kingdom

I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing it.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Alex and Jacob go speed dating.

To be quite honest, I was dreading this. Jake was too. Sobriety is great, but when you're about to meet eleven woman for four minutes each, a couple of beers always does ease the nerves. Our venue for the evening was the supposedly 'unpretentious' Firefly on the edge of Clapham Common - this made me scoff as the words 'unpretentious' and 'Clapham Common' do NOT normally go together..

You could describe the place as being where the Olympic Flame hangs out at the weekends: huge fiery torches high on metal poles sitting over a bland looking pub garden. It was empty save a couple of young lads scoffing pub grub and three university girlies behind the bar. We had a couple of beers to get some Dutch courage, exchanged small talk and waited for the clock to reach 7.30 when the fun would start. In that situation, what you do is sit by the door, watch the incoming traffic and ask yourself - 'I wonder if he/she is speed dating too?'. It was obvious that most entrants were. Blokes turned up early in ones and twos whilst the girls arrived a little later in bigger groups. Jake noticed this and pondered why, I told him 'it's because the blokes are desperate!' Mmm, how true is that?

At the allotted time we made our way to the spiral staircase and upstairs to meet our fate. You sign your name, get a sticker with name and number written thereon: I was 'Alex 10' whilst Jacob was 'Jake 11'. After a bit of nervous banter we took our seats and the fun started..

My first 'date' also had 'Alex 10' on a sticker attached to her dress. Really spun me out that. She was an accountant who travelled round the world, 'nice girl but no connection there' I thought. At this point it started to get veery warm and I started to perspire.. not the greatest look I can tell you! From experience it is very difficult to dab your brow nonchalantly to keep the sweat at bay when you're trying to make a good impression. Mike McShane (the fat bloke on the left of this picture) used to do it with some dignity but not being 20 stone I didnt have much of an excuse... Still the evening was not all lost, Jake was getting off to a flyer ! Gregarious and charming are two adjectives I dont normally associate with him but the body language was superb and the conversation was flowing - he was in the zone! I retained some composure and got chatting to a group of South London au pairs (numbers 1,2 and 3 - names forgotten by this point). They were my winners by a long shot for the evening and one of them even gave me a cigarette which was very sweet. 4 through to 10 weren't too special; one of em was a die-hard Leicester City fan who worshipped Martin O'Neil, another was allergic to Coca Cola and another had a thing for Gordon Ramsay. I was in verbal diahhorrea mode at this point so didnt make the greatest impression either and when the bell rang for time we staggered downstairs to regroup and drink some more.

At this point me and Jake got a good idea of who our opposition for the evening wa
s; well dressed surburban city clones and guys dressed up like the Bananas in Pyjamas - i kid you not! We sat back had a few drinks and watched the guys swarm over the women at the bar. Kudos to Jacob, he jumped up and joined the melee himself - a mighty fine effort.

The evening got a bit hazy after the round of shots I bought, Leicester City girl was so pissed she fell of the side of a leather couch, Jakey told me he loved me (aaah!) and I got a nice hug from au pair number one as she left. Damn! She smelt sooo good...

Anyway, here are some pics taken afterward - I wanted to take some during the event itself but that wouldnt impress the women would it?

Left to Right:
1. Drunk Jake
2. 'I didnt mean to burn the bloody place down!'
3. Me on the Tube (more SFX)
4. Evil Jake (night mode - gives his eyes a cocky tint and his smile a confident sneer)
5. Good Jake

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Ode to my Favourite Austrian


Just so you know..

I do, and alway will, love the films starring this guy...

Granted, even now he can barely string a sentence together. In major speeches he sounds like he has a mouth full of marbles and rubber bands. He is a sexist, a fondler and his dad was a Nazi.

Still how could you say anything against four films he made into box office gold. The sequence which brought out the violent minded, gun infatuated, wisecracking uber-man in me..

  • The Terminator (1984)
  • Commando (1985)
  • Predator (1986)
  • The Running Man (1987)
  • Total Recall (1990)

Firs time I saw the James Cameron movie it blew my mind. The beardstrokers can go on and on about time paradoxes, fear of technology, blah, blah, blah. I loved it 'cos Arnie had a big gun, shot people and looked mean. Michael Biehn was the hero of the peace but to me spent the whole time trying to escape gunfire with a bug eyed expression on his face... a pussy in other words..

Predator was an extension to this, this time Arnie as the good guy. What a fantastic ensemble cast too, topped off by Jesse 'The Body' Ventura.. He was dressed like a gay Mountie decked out military green throught but this didnt stop him dispensing some quality machismo dialogue...

"I aint got time to bleed"....

" Chewing tobacco will turn you into a goddamn sexual tyrannasaurus [wtf?].. just like me.."

The macho-meter strikes '10' for me when Arnie hooks up with his former best buddy Major Dillon (Carl Weathers) for a spot of recon. The camera lingers lovingly on 'Dutch's' (yeah he's actually called Dutch in this!!) exposed bicep as he clutches his friend's hand as a greeting. He actually jokes that the Major has gone soft in his office job.. how could anyone who looks like Carl Weathers be called soft???!!!!

Of course there's an invisible seven foot tall man-gecko alien who is picking off the grunts one by one.. you never expect Arnie to be beaten by that do you?

I watched Commando last of the lot. But if there was an Oscar for 'laboured violent puns' it would have won hands down.. the best of the lot being [in deadpan Austrian accent of course] 'Don't wake my friend.. he's dead tired'... geddit????

The starting credits and first couple of minutes of the film set the scene perfectly. Various closeups of flexing, muscular anatomy (subliminal message... this man is STRONG!!), Arnie carrying a whole tree on his shoulder back to his lodge to chop it up. But don't forget he's got a soft, caring side too - footage of him being sweet with his daughter, noticing a deer nearby and pointing it out to her all the while dispensing fatherly advice. This final part doesn't ring to true with me... his character is so violently no-nonsence I kind of expect him to run up to said animal, shoot it and skin it for food or something...

Other plus points: Arnie's character is called 'Matrix' in this film (wtf?) amusing South African Freddie Mercury a-like as villain, soundtrack by a demented steel drum band and lots of hilarious shootout situations. What more could you want?

The Running Man. Once again Arnie goes to top of the class with the quality of his puns, on the minus side he proves words of two syllables are beyond him still (listen to him being philosophical when he is having his prison tag removed - he mangles his syntax with considerable skill). In this case, the whole cast have swallowed the 'Arnie book of wisecracks' - my favourite being this exchange the villain of the piece, courtesy of IMDB

Damon Killian: Hi, cutie pie. You know one of us is in deep trouble. You know who I am?
Ben Richards: I've seen you before. You're the asshole on TV.
Damon Killian: That's funny. I was going to say the same thing about you.

I could go on for pages in praise of the dialogue in this movie, but I wont. Click here for some more quality script... a link does the banter in this film far better justice than I ever could..

For me The Running Man is a cross between a Phillip K Dick story and a gameshow. Take Harrison Ford out of Bladerunner, drop Arnie in and you get Total Recall (nifty link huh?), the finest film of all five listed.

I got this as a christmas present on VHS when I was fifteen, and even now I remember the feeling of joy when I unwrapped it. 'Why so good', you may ask? Well.. the wisecracks are not as fine and abundant is in the last two films but you get Arnie at his most invulnerable. I read somewhere that the Hollywood action movies of the time reflected American self confidence in the world at the time: resourceful, in control, enthusiastic about large calibre weaponry... Makes sense in a way.

So now you know - the '84-'90 vintage Arnie was as good as it gets and his stock sank drastically after that. Terminator 2 was more of an ensemble piece; slick, satisfying but not as great as what went before. And as for the likes of Eraser, all I can say is Im glad he's in politics now...

Monday, September 25, 2006

Monday Update...

Just so you know...

Payday is but 4 days away now. Ive budgeted for next months spending and found the following equation applies:


Thursday, September 21, 2006


Check out the wrong'uns link I have added to my collection. For those who are interested it listed the Top 10 crims who the FBI are on the lookout for. Quite a simple page really: five pics on the left and five on the right. Not very flash, it seems the money is being spent on The War on Terror rather than on hiring decent website designers!

What I love most about the mugshots is that you can pretty much guess what the people are actually wanted for.. Heres some pics to check out, I bet you see what I mean...

Here's an easy one...what is this guy wanted for?

BING! Right answer. OBL is wanted for blowing up warships/people and buildings throughout the world. There is a $27 million dollar bounty on him. Good luck in collecting that..


Parking tickets? Public Exposure? No! Diego Leon Montoya Sanchez is a... drug trafficker. You'd get five million bucks for his head.... looks like an extra out of that film Clear and Present Danger doesnt he?

Finally. Guess what this bloke does with his spare time??

Here's a clue: 'You want to come and see my puppies?'

Go figure.....

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A right riveting read..

Well I certainly won't keep you as interested as the bloke pictured to your left. Nearly at the end of his Dark Tower series and if what King writes is a reflection of what King thinks, he must be one dark dude. Interesting but dark.. my kind of company actually...

So what else do I want to tell you? Well, I discovered Google Maps the other day at work. Its Google Earth without the eerie, disembodied feeling as you float down to ground level and its really neat! Nice to see places 'in the flesh' you havent seen before - for instance George Bush's pad and the massive front garden he has to go with it. The first thing I thought when I saw it was: 'Damn! The gardener must be rushed off his feet with that!

On the subject of Dubya, looks like his boys are back in with a sniff in the Congressional Mid Term elections which are coming up. I get my fix of good ole boys chatting Beltway business as much as I can. As I'm a pinko leftie Id breathe a sigh of relief if the Democrats managed to take control of the House or the Senate - a few less rednecks with their fingers on the button. It'd be great to kick back on George's verandah in Texas, knocking back beers, battin the breeze about the ballgame and all the wetbacks but the idea of him and his buddies running the world is still a terrifying notion.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Recollections of My Weekend

Its kind of gratifying to think that someone is actually reading this! If Dave and Patch are still dipping into my blog it'll make me a very happy man.

Word of advice to Patch: write one yourself, man... its very therapeutic and damn good if you've got f**k all to do at work (like me.. ahem!).

Due to an abject lack of funds I missed out on the work sesh' penciled in for Friday. Sam, a sweet, almost bird-like girl is now off on maternity leave till April. Never stopped amazing me but late stage pregnancy makes skinny birds look extremely cumbersome, Sam developed a waddling gait and the turning circle of an American Aircraft Carrier....Joys of being a bloke, we don't have to put with that do we?

Went to the rugby on Saturday. London Welsh this time as the 'Quins were away. Very nearly didn't go as the lure of staying in bed was pretty great. Proved to be a sensible decision though as I spent six and a half hours doing absolutely nothing...and getting paid for it too. Welsh proved to be absolutely pony, forward passing, knocking on and all that kind of thing - they lost 21-13 against Newbury in the end and deserved all they got.

Walking back to Surbiton Station I pass Kingston Uni and a stream of students coming out of lectures and one of em is a pretty girl, slim, high cheekbones, nice bum and all that kind of thing. She'd look even better if she wasn't TOTALLY BALD! I keep on walking past her and having idle thoughts of running my hands over her shiny bonce.. just to see what it feels like.

Might get nicked for that so I won't linger on the thought..

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Heres a weird one

Reckon this was last Sunday. It was a barmy, bright afternoon with sunshine that raised the spirits and light, wispy clouds racing across the sky. I hooked up with Patch for a beer and a rollie before he was dragged away due to prior commitments. 'Nice chance to sit in the sunshine with a good book' I reckoned. After a while I was lying on my back looking skywards deep in thought (Stoke Park has interesting memories for me). Saw a very strange cloud formation above me and had to take a photo of it.

Do you see the face in this pic? The half closed eyes and open 'beak'? Looks like some kind of fucked up bird man to me. Weird huh?

Some Pics I missed out on - Aug 28th

Its Saturday night. My wallet is full of train tickets and cobwebs probably too. This would be a good time to post some pics from last month. Mark and myself went for a stroll along the South Bank, past The Tate and back to his pad in E& is the evidence..

The Many Faces of Mark:
(1) Testy
(2) Narked
(3) Going Postal

Another cracking bit of SFX below. Check out the before vs after - I call it the 'Tron Effect'. Nice!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Click on the link.

One seriously messed up link...

Monday, September 11, 2006

One messed up language..

I decided it would be a wise move to swat up on some Polish before we go away.

I know its all of 3 months away but Ive got sweet FA to do at work so why not?

Click here to find out some basics: Im sorry but it all sounds like bloody Klingon to me...

Bloody Poles get everywhere!!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Back to the Rugby 9/9


First home game of the season for Quins. I got the chance to don a heavy fluorescent jacket which is the stewarding must have for 06/07! Council workman chic, yes? To be quite honest it really isnt work: for 3pm we rock up at 12, spend three hours standing around, 20 minutes telling people where their seats/the toilets/the nearest bar are situated and a further hour and a half watching a game of rugby! Getting paid 27.50 for the privilege of it!!
As for the match - Harlequins faded badly after leading 16-6 at half time. The Stoop atmos needs a little working on, most Quins fans are very genteel and can only manage the sporadic chorus of 'Come on Quins!' . Get's a bit monotonous that.. The Gloucester fans on the other hand tended to be alot more vocal: imagine a pack of a thousand demented farmers bellowing at the top of their voices 'GLAAAAASSTRRRRRRRRRRRR!' The thing you do notice is that there are NO chants of ANY sort besides this - the terrace wit at rugby union games is undeveloped.. Still, as a way to get a dose of bright sunshine and get paid for the pleasure of it, Harlequins cannot be beaten.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Wrong...just plain wrong..

Read this in The Metro today. Its very, very dark. One of my fellow Bloggers puts this extremely succinctly. Read the entry for 07/09/06..

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Welcome Back Zac!

Hey there Zac,

Mark tells me you've washed up on our shores. This time with your lovely wife too!

That really great news mate. I was gonna organise a proper welcome for you - red carpet, paperazzi, screaming fans etc, etc. Looks like we'll have to make do with a few beers instead.

Will be cool to see you again


Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A night in with Dave (amongst other things)

I'm well chuffed. My newly found smoking habit hasn't affected my lungs as badly as I thought it would do.

Finally cajoled The Claw into a run and just like the old days it was. We parked up in Hampton Court, doing our stretching under a barmy late afternoon sun before setting of on our way. It's a picturesque route: along the towpath of the River Thames, past the Raven's Ait, Kingston Bridge upto Bushy Park and back. 5 and a bit miles all in. Despite some throbbing in one knee and a gusting wind we managed to get round in about 42 minutes. A major achievement eh?

To celebrate The Claw drove me down to a lovely pub in Thames Ditton where we had a couple of pints and a few smokes (hell if I can smoke 5 a day with little detriment I gotta meet that quota!). With tired legs and a weary mind I jumped on the train back home about 8pm.. A day well spent..

After spending a frustrating day in the office a visit to an old friend was de rigeur. I get the impression he really likes to see me - enjoys every moment of my buttoned down, sensible presence - what a charismatic guy I must be! We discussed his poetry and boy! can that guy write well. My favourite is his five page magnum opus about a diver who discovers his watery grave and struggles to come to terms with it (as you would). Then moved onto his love life - the boy has a ready charm with the ladies which anyone would do well to emulate - he's got a harem on the go with ladies of various ages. A 40 year old can take a casual relationship but a 17 year old certainly can't - I read a letter a young girl sent and she sounds infatuated. Hope he lets her down gently....

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Doris Day and Jake with a kitchen knife

It was time for some big screen cinema pleasures again. I met up with Mark to see a charity screening of 'The Man Who Knew Too Much' at The Prince of Wales Theatre just off Leicester Square. As is the way with these good cause screenings, a cheap ticket (£4) brings all the characters in for a couple of hours - Mark calls them 'the care in the community' people. And we had a full set yesterday afternoon, the best being a guy who sounded like he was in the early stages of lung cancer who laughter in all the wrong places.. must of hurt too 'cos he laughed alot!

TMWKTM is one of the lesser know of Hitchcocks 1950s efforts and is mostly carried by big stars in top billing. James Stewart I knew well - amiable drunken dilusional in Harvey thru to genteel breakdown in Vertigo. Doris Day was another matter - I cannot stand musicals and she made her career in hundreds of the bloody things! However as I watched the film I soon noticed one thing: 'she was actually pretty fit for a ginga wasnt she?'.

The film is memorable for one song, a memorable little tune which has been bastardised on football terraces ever since:

"You're talking sh*t my son, Go get your father's gun Shoot the vil-la scum Shoot the villa scum"

Take a guess what that is?

Another thing that tickled my funny bone was the assassin of the piece who looked like a cross between Jimmy Smits and Skeletor..
He must have been a real hit with the ladies...

During the evening I paid a brief visit to see Jake in Elephant and Castle. After a heavy sesh' the night before his tenuous hold on reality was a little finer than usual. After the footie Jake put on his dinner and in his usual conversational tones stood behind me asking 'Do you like knives, Alex?' I took that as my cue to leave.

We beat Andorra 5-0 by the way...