World of Bile

Thoughts, pics and links from me to you.. Read on...

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Location: London, United Kingdom

I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing it.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

'Lets get you patched up.'

'Its just a scratch..'

First aid people love their acronyms. It makes all the stuff they need to know more memorable whilst stemming your blood flow, I reckon. Anyway - it was nice to get out of the office for a few days. Wey House is where St Johns Ambulance is based in Weybridge, they have a hut which the local scouts use - nestled unobtrusively in a quiet corner of the town under a grove of trees by the river.

'Robert' was to be our instructor for the week: and I can safely say there isnt too many people in the world like him. Tall, slim - ill fitting cheap suit, shock of unkempt dark hair, long gangly legs and arms which he gave the impression he had very little control over. Kind of like a heterosexual Kenneth Williams - anyone who has been part of the SJA for 25 years obviously has nothing better to do and obviously straight. Rob's sexuality was the basis of many of our fag break discussions (pardon the pun) but we reckoned he wasnt a woofter - despite his blatantly flamboyant ways.

Day One went off with little incident. As is usually the case, our attention was wandering by mid afternoon, thoughts going to food shopping, a few beers, ironing.. y'know all the usual mundanities of daily life. However, our instructor came to the rescue - he sashayed out into the car park and came back declaring 'Hey everyone - there's an injured fox in the car park'. And so there was: the twelve of us ventured out to see this poor little mangy animal, shaking with shock and with eyes half closed in evident discomfort. Rob standing close by with a look of real concern on his face, mobile in hand evidently dialing the local wildlife animal shelters. It got even better as the poor animal ventured out into the road - eyes fixed on us with feral disdain as the traffic slowly inched by. Our teacher ventured into his office to grab a chair and coat so people could see this mini road obstruction, brandishing the chair in front of him like a lion tamer much to the fox's (and our own) bemusement.

The rest of the week was uneventful in comparison. We bandaged, watched videos of people falling down flights of stairs, smoked, drank coffee, bandaged some more until we were ready to be assessed. It was a doddle, a couple of minutes of CPR, putting some bird in the recovery position and the completing a scenario. I now have a nifty little certificate and a first aid kit for my pains and feel ready to ply my trade on the public. Do not fall over on the street in front of me - as I'll wrap you up in bandages quick smart.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Tonight we dine in Hell!

Give him a funny hat and a pair of wings and who would Gerald Butler look like?


I watched this with my own King Leonidas (sans tight leather shorts and washboard abs), my favourite movie buddy Mark. We had been outside at the UK premiere at Leicester Square during January and had watched the poor bastards shivering away in their posing pouches under persistent nighttime drizzle.

Fast forward five and a half months and we caught the movie at the Prince Charles Theatre. I was expecting a good macho, chest banging laugh - the hero of the piece looked like Alistair McGowan with a fake beard and sounded like Alan Hansen so I was dead keen to give it my thumbs up, honest! Instead I yawned continuously and felt like falling onto my knees in joy when the final credits rolled. Visually this film is as beautiful as anything you will ever see, but by the third act you're just aching for the clouds of arrows to tear asunder King L and each and every one of his Gay Chat buddies.. with abs so well defined you could open a bottle of beer on them - all the Spartans look the bloody same!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Britains got 'talent'

In the vaguest, most undefined sense..

Where will the 'you phone in and vote on something' genre of shows stop??

Apparently the latest one in the US is 'Last Comic Standing'. Which is about.. well, I reckon you can guess what it's about. British comedienne Gina Yashere made the final rounds of the competition, proving that being shouty and really not very funny still gets you very far in the world.
YASHERE.. shouty and not very funny..

HENRY...shouty and not very funny...

HITLER... erm..?

Anyway, enough of that. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was visiting with Dave the other week; getting my weekly dose of Big Brother and Eastenders when I stumbled across the latest Ant and Dec vehicle. Members of the public appear on stage - do their thing (whatever that is) and the winner gets a slot on the Royal Variety Show (something like that). During a BB commercial break, we switched over to ITV to be graced with a shocking sight. My words alone cannot to justice to a pack of sweaty scousers in Hallowe'en costumes throwing themselves round the stage to Michael Jackson 'Thriller' - and the audience lapped it up. Enthusiastic? Yes. Energetic? Certainly. Talented? God save us if they are.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Wow Wii!

See what I did there??

Big shout out to my mate Elaine. She's my best friend now as she has a Nintendo Wii.. and it is absolute class.

When I was a lad, home entertainment came in a little plaster box with rubber keys attached to it. Something like this..

Wallop! 48K of pure gaming pleasure. I used to spend my summers holed up in front of a big colour telly playing cracking games like:

A galaxy of seven colours..the sound FX coming out of a Spectrum sounded like cricket farting or something - which when its to the Outrun theme kind of made you laugh a little. Looks a bit crap now doesnt it?

Anyway, the Spectrum died a death back in the late 80s as these games evolved. And 20 years on, just look at them. As always the Japs are ingenious little blighters, the latest offering from Nintendo is called the Wii (easy to pronounce apparently). It has a sensor that you attach to your telly, and this picks up signals from the handset which is shaped like a little stick - the Wii wand. This is a cordless device that you can swordfight with, go bowling with, play tennis with and loads of other stuff. It acts as a steering wheel, a throttle and probably some kind of clandestine sexual aid too... The console creates its own little world, and you can create an avatar of yourself to participate in it. You can vary sex, hair colour, skin colour, hairstyle, glasses (shape and colour), position of features (eyes, nose, mouth etc): literally tens of thousands of possible combinations from conventional cartoon character to Adolf Hitler - yeah I played tennis as Adolf Hitler. Mine was a chap with big specs, tache and goatie - took him cow racing, ten pin bowling, played golf with him.. could have sat in front of the telly for hours as the gameplay is absolutley superb.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

The latest thing to offend my Daily Mail reading sensibilities

What the f**k????!!

The world is going down the toilet..Or maybe its just me who thinks it is...

I choked on my Middle England cornflakes when I saw this. Mayor Ken in all his wisdom has revealed the logo for London's Olympics in 2012, it cost 400k to come up with and frankly looks horrendous. I mean, what kind of New Romantic monstrosity is this? It looks like something a set designer for Siouxie and the Banshees might come up with. Are we really that bereft of ideas that we have to pillage the dark years of the 70s and 80s to come up with this!???

Now a good socialist would have surely thought 'lets have this as a competition open to kids across London - best design wins' - that tried and tested Blue Peter style. If Mr L had done this, we'd have all been happy.

Our beloved (and soon to be ex) leader Mr Blair has added his contribution to the air as usual:

When people see the new brand, we want them to be inspired to make a positive
change in their life
It comprehensively underwhelms me. Here is the petition to scrap it, it was set up on June 5th and has 50,000 signatures already.. tells you something that, doesn't it?

Monday, June 04, 2007

Commando (1985)

Im a big fan of this movie. Pretty formulaic, wooden acting, violent, spurious plot, massive gay subtext.. very funny

Here is a humourous article taken from Hotdog magazine - don't know the date. It concerns the whispering, chainmail clad villain of the piece - interested? Read on..

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Friday, June 01, 2007

King Kong versus Aslan?

Thanks go to Mark for this quality picture: a monster movie with a difference...

Dontcha just love the way the lion breathes fire? Only a fire-breathing labrador would be better in my mind..